For Anna

 The only birthday I ever celebrated in school, was my senior year. I too felt left out of the birthday party spiel. The first birthday I remember was when I was 4. It was a surprise party. It didn't go well. Standing behind the door crying and saying....."It's not my birthday!" That's only the one of two I remember while I was a child. 

This is more about the passing of time. The feeling I get deep inside my soul when I think about every minute taking me away from what I know to somewhere unknown. The loss of what is, never to get it back. I guess this is normal as you get older and you start wondering where life has gone. It changes so quickly. 

I don't think it is normal for a child in elementary school to feel sad to see the years change. When I was in the 2nd grade and we would go back to school after our Christmas break, writing the date on my paper left me feeling sad and anxious. How does that even cross the mind of a child? You should be looking forward to life and all the changes. To this day, I feel that same anxiety as the calendar moves on. 

Remember when I gave you a Memory Box for your birthday. I told you to fill it up. I doubt you still have that box. I was trying to tell you to hang on to as many memories you could. Time goes by so quickly and as you say, you can't get back there...it is already gone. 

I also think that we have such high expectations. We look forward to a special date or event. We plan, organize and create a perfect moment. We worry and anticipate as the date arrives. And the let down we feel when it's over. We realize it was just another small piece of time that we will never get back. That it wasn't as perfect as we wanted. Everyone satisfied but you. 

We are not so different, you and I. The difference...you have done and are doing all the things I can dream of but was held back by fear and anxiety. You know I am getting ready to turn 65 and there are so many things I wish I had done. I could blame it on so many things, but the bottom line is that I was just too fearful to try. 

You, my beautiful Anna Girl, you are living life on your terms. You have a free spirit with a huge heart. In spite of your anxiety, you fly. I love you more than you can imagine. 

I found Christmas

 A few weeks ago I wrote about finding Christmas. I was having trouble finding the feeling, the excitement, the love but the most of all I was missing the reason. Then God gave me a gift that will change my life I hope.

On the evening of December 14, I had a brain aneurysm burst. Without knowing what had happened to me, Mike took me to the ER. I was in excruciating pain and my eyelid wouldn't stay open and my face was going numb. I thought maybe it was a stroke. A trip to one er and a transfer by ambulance to another hospital, I was where I needed to be. That is when I found out that my chances to die were greater than the chances to live. God had protected me and saved my life. He put me in the hands of capable doctors that did what was needed to

I will be in the hospital for 2 more weeks. I will miss Christmas with my family. All the worry about not finding Christmas has been lifted. My right eyelid will not open on it's own. The eye is fixed and dilated and the right side of my face is numb. The doctor's say that it could possibly heal but it will take months. I don't know how long I will be off work. I just know one thing. These things don't really matter. I have my life, my family and the most wonderful friends in the world. I am so blessed.
The outpouring of love has made me feel so humble. 

Where is Christmas?

Christmas
Remember those days when you were as excited as your kids waiting on Santa and sharing the love of Christmas. When even the years that were a little leaner, you found a way to make them happy. All the love that would make your heart grow ten sizes. The excitement and wonder that went into making it all come together. Finding the perfect gift to light up their eyes. And one day all those feelings were multiplied by ten because now you have grandchildren.

I love Christmas, I hate that sometimes or most of the time it flies by so quickly that I don't stop and enjoy it. This year, I have not found the excitement. I keep waiting for the feeling, and it just hasn't happened. I don't know where it is. It is less than two weeks away and I am running out of time.

I''m waiting for the magic to begin but it isn't. Maybe it's because life is in the way. I lost my best friend in July and I am losing my mom one day at a time. Her memories are being wiped out one at a time. I  wish that I could wave my wand and turn the clock around again. I pray almost everyday for her not to lose anymore. If she could just stay at this level, I think we could be okay with that. When I get stressed and the walls seem to be caving in, I just shut down. I put walls up and go into denial. If I do these things, then I can hide...right? No, it never works out for me like that, but that is how I deal.
I am sure it will happen, but the timing won't be right. I will be all out of time and have to wait until next year to see the magic.

I feel that maybe I have pushed Jesus Christ out of Christmas and now there is nothing left where my heart is. I know he is the reason for the season. His birth was a miracle and he was born to save us from sin. We get so caught up in the commercialism of Christmas that we forget that his son is really what it is all about. God gave us the greatest gift. There is nothing more important. Sharing our love with our family and others is what God wants of us. I believe that giving the gift of love will help me find the feelings that have eluded me so far.

My Best Friend

Sheryl Moore  (February 14, 1957 - July 28, 2019) 

Friends that  you meet later in your life are different than the ones you have when you are young. 

For instance, in elementary or jr high, your best friend and you are still forming how to have relationships and so you both have to like the same everything. You want to wear the same clothes, same makeup. You like or dislike the same people. You copy everything from each other. Favorite movie stars, bands, and even boys. 

Sometimes people remain life long friends. Through kids, husbands, dogs, politics, you stay friends for life. Sometimes, a lot of the time, these relationships grow apart as you grow. Not because you don't still love your friend, but you move towards different goals and have different opinions.

A friendship that blossoms later in life is much different. You go into the relationship knowing and respecting the differences that make you who you are. You have different ideas, but you find a common ground on which friendship grows. It is our differences that teach us to love things we never thought that we could. 

This Best Friend that I found in Sheryl was just like that. I remember the first time I met her. 

You know I am shy and self conscious and easily can just hide in plain sight. Especially when I am in a situation where I don't know anyone, I want to put my eyes down and just hide. 

I was trying to hide behind Mike that day when we went to our first STAR meeting. She was the LOS officer. I saw her smiling at me like a crazy woman. She came up and started talking and I was doing my best to hide. She didn't let me. I wasn't use to getting that much attention. I don't know why she tried so hard, but I am glad she did.

Over the last 14 years we became very best friends. As we grew closer, her family became my family and my family became hers. We were different and the same. Sometimes we didn't see eye to eye, but that was okay. We respected each other and was able to learn from each other. I loved her like family, like a sister.  We shared so much friendship and love. 

Friends are how we get through every day of every year. God puts people in our lives whenever he sees a need for them. Sometimes they are there to comfort us and support us. Sometimes they are there to teach us life lessons. He places them in our lives for however long we need them. Some friends are life long and others move through for just a quick minute.

I can't imagine why God decided that I didn't still need Sheryl. I am selfish as I know she is singing with the angels, Her broken human body is healed and she is no longer suffering. I know these things to be true, but my heart hurts and I already miss her so much.

Politics ....ARRRGH....State Questions Oklahoma

I wrote this for my other blog, but I just felt that I wanted to repeat it here. I don't argue politics as I get too anxious and I don't feel I can speak intelligently about the issues. I know what I feel and where my heart is. So I keep most of my ideas and feelings to myself. I just had to say this. All the fighting and negativity is driving me crazy. We have so many important decisions to make this election and I want to do my best.

I really hate politics. I just want the two sides to honestly lay out what they are selling and then just let us make a decision. With the Presidential Election throwing around so much negativity, we don't even know what our State Questions mean.

There is so much negativity. When we are teaching our children about our most important right of this country...The Right To Vote...all they see is a bunch of adults acting like neanderthals. I started to say children, but our children may be immature, they are not cruel, nasty people. They have to be feeling the effects of all the stress that this election is bringing to their parents, grandparents, teachers...well all the adults in their lives. But enough about the negativity and visceral that surrounds our elections.

The media doesn't think that we are smart enough to look at the issues and make up our own minds. They prejudice the news that they are suppose to be reporting. When this happens, it brings out the worst in all of the candidates. And the candidates play right into that. They in return quit focusing on the issues. We get no real answers on how they will lead our country. I just want it all to stop,

Now having gotten that rant out of my system, I want to say how confused I am about our State Questions. I know I am not informed enough to vote on State Question 777. I also want to say that the people that is most affected by this law are the farmers. So my questions are what percentage of the population are farmers? Why would the rest of the State even know how this affects their lives and businesses. Wouldn't this question be left up to them?  I hope that they know what is best for the state. I want to do best for those that would be affected.I think the rest of the questions, I can make a good choice. It's just this one that I am worried that my vote will not be the right one.

Did I say that I hate politics? Well I hope everyone of you get out and vote. Do what ever you can to make the best decisions for you and your family! Don't forget that it is your right and it is completely anonymous. It is also your right not to tell anyone the way you voted. In fact, it is considered rude to ask someone how they voted.   

The last 10 years, The next 10

Trying to make sense of the tragic and useless death of Philip Seymour, I don't know where to begin. I think anger is one emotion that I feel. Anger that he wasted his life, anger that he had reached the star that many have chased but wasted it on drugs. For all of his fans that he let down. I know his personal demons led to the event of his death. It's not fair to judge him.

 Having said all of that brings me to why I am writing this blog tonight. I found out that he was 10 years younger than me. Ten years...I thought what have I done in the past ten years. When you start putting your life in sections, each one a decade long, you can see that your lifetime consists of many lives. My first few lives consisted of my childhood, marriage and my children's childhood. All of the blessings and wonderments that came in those lives have brought me to where?

Where? is my second career. The career I wished I had began with. I am a Paraprofessional at the Junior High where I attended school. I began this career about 5 years into my Disability Years. In 2003 I was working at York International. I had been there for 20 years working as a lead person on an assembly line. The work was physical and was not kind to someone with sever arthritis and fibromyalgia. I went out in January and never returned. I was lost. I applied for and received SSDI and at the age of 46 I was sitting waiting for what. In 2008 I began substituting for the Moore Public School system. Central Junior High is just about a mile from my home, the school I was an alumni of, and had the best staff a school could hope for. Everyone from the janitor to the principal made me feel golden. A few years into subbing I was offered a long term sub job for a para on maternity leave. During this time because of one thing after another, I spent the whole year in that classroom.

When summer came along, I found I was in a dilemma.I was offered this job however I wanted it. I could become a full time employee, or I could continue to just be the full time sub.  I had fallen in love with all the students in that classroom. They needed a full time paraprofessional. But working this many hours, my SSDI would probably be taken away. People called me crazy and my mom was worried that I would lose my income and not be able to work. I thought about it all summer long and 2 weeks before school started I made my decision. I was going to begin my new career. This was a job I actually loved and was so glad to get up out of bed for.  The principal had to jump through some hoops to make it happen for me. Did I mention that they have the best staff ever.

The school is a Title 1 school which means that all the paraprofessionals have to be Highly Qualified. I had to take a special test to become qualified as I have no college education. Sweating bullets, I passed the test making a score of 478 of 480 possible points. An angel must have been on my shoulder that day because math was not one of my strongest subjects. I know the basics as I was taught, but that was a long time ago.
Things are not the same.

I seem to be rambling here which is exactly what I am doing. I began writing this several weeks ago and just now came back to it. This is how unorganized my life is. But it is my life and we are talking about the past ten years. I have a new career that I love. I have had 3 more grandchildren to add to the 5 I already had.

We also bought a motorcycle and joined a riding association. I should say my husband bought a motorcycle. I was against it. But he bought it and since he promised me our entire married life to show me the United States, I thought I better climb on and ride. We have met some amazing friends that I would not have crossed paths with except for the motorcycle. And like he promised we have begun our journey of the United States.

Seeing it from the motorcycle is a wonderful experience. I didn't realize how much difference it made until this past summer. Our second trip to Yellowstone, our friends health kept them in the car. June in the mountains is a lot cooler than August. I rode many days in the car with our friends. And when we were in Yellowstone, it was rainy also. My husband joined us in the cage. aka the car. The experience is just not the same. I realized how lucky I was to see it from the bike the first time. For instance, in Colorado, I was on the bike when we slowed down for construction. When we came around the bend, there was a buck standing in the road looking back over his shoulder. Suddenly two does came out of the tree line and they crossed the road. This would not have looked the same in the cage. You not only see the sights, but you feel. smell and just absorb the whole experience from the bike. I have seen Colorado, New Mexico, Idaho, Utah, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Kansas.

So let's review my last ten years that I would have missed if I hadn't lived. I have been retired, found a new career, had 3 more grandchildren, been to new places like Yellow Stone and Mnt. Rushmore, turned 50, met new friends, taught my grandkids at school, gotten paid to write, was an extra in a movie, have place on the IMDB website, and much much much more.

These past ten years that have been, have added so much love and happiness to my life. I cannot imagine how different my eulogy would be if I had not had these years. I am so sorry for Phillip Seymour's family and friends. I hope he knew how important he was to the people he left behind. I am sorry that his demons won and took him from this world too soon. I hope that he has found peace on the other side.

Oh, Where Has The Writing Gone? Sat January 11, 2014

I love to write my thoughts down. I have opinions on just about everything, and writing them down is how I express those opinions. So why have I gone almost a year without writing more than a few words.

First of all this past year has given me plenty of material to write. Keeping up with everything that has gone bad or good is almost impossible. I guess the reason I have been reluctant, is that is is so personal. Another word to describe it is SAD...just plain sad. I suppose writing about it would make it too real and I would have to examine and actually feel the pain.

Although the past year we have seen the worst in people, we have also seen the best. When you feel that the human race is so past redemption and there is no salvation for it, it turns and compassion, empathy, sympathy, goodness abound. Stories of the love we have for each other come forth and we see why God hasn't discarded us after all.

Even though it is almost the middle of January already, I am going to make this resolution. Writing everyday? No, that is a great goal, but a more realistic goal will be 3 times a week. I hope that I write everyday, but maybe if I try really hard, I can at least get close to my goal. What will I write about? My day? Hmmm well I am sure that no one wants to hear about my almost boring life, but sometimes I do have some interesting things happen...Hello I am a teacher at a Junior High. You can't get more Drama if you tried. I think that since I am trying to learn to write more creatively, and some day write true short stories (not TRUE Stories, just fiction ones that some one would actually want to read) and maybe a novel, I will be doing writing exercises.

So this is Saturday and if I keep my resolution, I will be back at least 2 times to share more ramblings and stories of my life.